the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
