the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
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no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
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Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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