Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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