what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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