no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
