im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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