Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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