Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
