I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
