Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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