Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
