he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
