bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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