the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
