Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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