i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
