I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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