just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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