Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
