Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
