I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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