when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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