The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
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I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
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COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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