I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
