He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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