I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
