it wasn't lemon gatorade
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
