When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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