Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
