just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
