I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
