Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
