my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just pee around me
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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