last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
a search helicopter?!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
