I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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