i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
