I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he fucked my hip out of place.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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