i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
