Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
