Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
