I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
