I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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