I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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