Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
