____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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