We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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