I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
