just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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