Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
