My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
40s are totally the cure
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
