Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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