I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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