I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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