Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
