Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
