There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
