i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
