OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
