woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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