The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
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there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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